Helping Children Deal With Grief: How to Support Kids After a Loss

Please share!

This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase through one of these links, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you.

Grief is one of those parts of parenting that I wish I never had to learn how to navigate.

About a year and a half ago, my dad died. Then, just three months ago, my mom died.

In a relatively short period of time, my children lost both of their grandparents on my side of the family. At the same time that I was trying to process the loss of both of my parents, I was also trying to figure out how to help my kids understand what was happening and work through their own grief.

There is no perfect way to help a child grieve. I certainly don’t have all of the answers. I’m sharing what I’ve learned from walking through these losses with my own children, along with resources that may help other families going through something similar.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that children don’t necessarily grieve the way adults expect them to—and even children in the same family can experience grief very differently.

I saw that firsthand when my mom died.

My children were both in the room when she took her last breath.

My daughter cried.

My son didn’t.

He didn’t cry that day, or the next day, or even the next week. It was almost a month before he finally cried about losing his grandma.

Both of them loved her deeply. Both of them were grieving.

They were simply grieving differently.

That experience reinforced something I want my children to know throughout their lives:

There isn’t a right way to grieve.

There isn’t a required number of tears. There isn’t a schedule. And there isn’t a deadline for missing someone you love.

Be Honest With Children About What Is Happening

With both of my parents, I chose to be very transparent with my children.

When my parents were sick, I talked to my kids about their conditions in ways they could understand. As things changed, I explained what was happening.

I didn’t give them every medical detail, but I also didn’t pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t.

Children often know when something is wrong anyway.

They hear worried conversations. They see adults crying. They notice when routines change and when the adults around them are stressed.

For our family, being open felt better than allowing my kids to fill in the blanks themselves.

When talking with younger children especially, it can help to use clear language around death rather than saying someone “went to sleep” or “went away.” Children can take those phrases literally and become confused or even frightened.

You also don’t have to explain everything at once.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is answer the question your child is actually asking and then give them space. If they want to know more, they’ll usually ask.

And it’s completely okay to say:

“I don’t know.”

Parents don’t have to have perfect answers in order to have honest conversations.

Talk About Death—and What You Believe Happens Afterward

As my parents’ conditions worsened, I talked with my children about what was happening. Eventually, we also talked about their transition out of this world.

In our family, I tell my children that my parents are still around us, just in a different way.

That’s part of what I personally believe and how I have chosen to talk about death with my kids.

Every family will approach that conversation differently.

Some families may talk about Heaven. Others may talk about spirits, ancestors, energy, nature, or another spiritual or cultural belief. Some families may simply say that nobody really knows exactly what happens after death, but that the love and memories we have of someone remain with us.

I think it’s okay to tell children:

“This is what I believe.”

It’s also okay to allow them to ask their own questions and develop their own understanding as they grow.

What mattered most to me was that death didn’t become something mysterious that nobody was allowed to talk about.

My kids can ask questions about how my parents died.

They can ask me what I think happens after death.

They can tell me they miss Grandma or Grandpa.

They can tell me if they feel like they’re still around.

There isn’t a subject surrounding my parents’ deaths that they have to be afraid to bring up.

Children Don’t Always Grieve the Way We Expect

Before experiencing this with my own kids, I think it would have been easy to assume that crying equals grieving.

Now I know better.

My daughter cried when my mom died.

My son didn’t cry about her death for almost a month.

If I had pressured him to cry or continually asked why he wasn’t upset, I might have unintentionally made him feel as though there was something wrong with the way he was processing what happened.

Children may cry, but grief can also show up in other ways.

A grieving child might become angry or irritable. They might want more attention. They may have trouble sleeping or concentrating. They may ask the same questions over and over again.

Or they may seem completely fine.

They might cry about Grandma and then ask to play a video game ten minutes later.

They might be sad in the morning and laughing with their friends in the afternoon.

That doesn’t mean the grief isn’t real.

Children often move in and out of grief differently than adults do.

I want my children to know that they’re allowed to feel whatever they feel.

They don’t need to perform grief for anyone.

Let Children Be Part of Saying Goodbye

My children being in the room when my mom took her last breath was an incredibly significant experience for our family.

It isn’t necessarily the choice every family would make, and every situation is different. But I don’t regret allowing my children to be part of that moment.

They knew my mom was dying.

They knew what was happening.

They had the opportunity to be with their grandma at the end of her life rather than having her suddenly disappear from their world without understanding why.

If children are going to be present during end-of-life moments, funerals, memorials, or other experiences surrounding a death, I think preparation is extremely important.

Explain what they might see.

Tell them that people might cry.

Let them know that other people may not cry at all.

Explain what will happen as honestly and simply as you can.

And when possible, give them choices about how much they want to participate.

One child may want to sit right beside the person they love.

Another might need to leave the room.

One might want to put a picture in a casket, choose flowers, or say something at a memorial.

Another might not want to participate at all.

That’s okay.

Keep Talking About the People Who Died

One of the biggest things we do in our house is actually very simple:

We talk about my parents all the time.

I don’t want their names to disappear from our family simply because they died.

We tell stories about them.

We talk about funny things they did.

We talk about things they liked.

If something reminds me of one of my parents, I say it.

“Grandma would have loved this.”

“Grandpa used to do that.”

“This was one of Grandma’s favorite foods.”

Storytelling can help preserve family memories and values, and that feels even more important to me now.

My kids are still young. There are things about my parents they may eventually forget simply because they were children when their grandparents died.

But I remember.

I can keep telling those stories.

And as my children get older, I can tell them stories about their grandparents that they weren’t old enough to understand before.

Death doesn’t have to mean someone’s story stops being told.

Create Rituals for Remembering Them

Remembering my parents isn’t something we save only for the anniversaries of their deaths.

We’ve created little rituals that make them part of our everyday family life.

We have an altar with pictures of my parents.

We leave them flowers.

Sometimes we leave out their favorite foods.

We light candles for them.

We also celebrate their birthdays.

We talk about them and make their favorite cakes.

Instead of pretending those birthdays no longer exist because they’re gone, we use them as another opportunity to remember them.

Every family will have different traditions, beliefs, and comfort levels, but there are so many ways to remember someone you love.

You might:

• Create a small memorial area with photographs.
• Light a candle on special days.
• Make their favorite meal or dessert.
• Celebrate their birthday.
• Visit a place they loved.
• Plant flowers or a tree.
• Look through old photos.
• Make a scrapbook or memory box.
• Make an ornament for the holidays.
• Play their favorite music.
• Write letters to them.
• Draw pictures.
• Donate to something they cared about.
• Tell stories about them.

These rituals don’t always have to be sad.

Sometimes remembrance can be joyful.

A birthday cake can come with tears one year and laughter the next—and sometimes both at the same time.

Turn Their Belongings Into Keepsakes

There are also ways to preserve tangible pieces of someone you love.

A favorite shirt, handwritten recipe, piece of jewelry, photograph, blanket, or other everyday object can suddenly mean so much more after someone dies.

If you have T-shirts or other meaningful shirts from someone you love, one idea is to have them turned into a memory quilt.

Project Repat makes custom T-shirt quilts from meaningful shirts and clothing, which can be a beautiful way to preserve clothes that you don’t want to get rid of but also don’t want sitting in a box forever.

I especially like this idea for children because instead of keeping Grandpa’s or Grandma’s shirts tucked away, those memories can become something they can actually see, touch, and curl up with.

Of course, you don’t have to send clothing away or make something elaborate.

You could frame part of a favorite shirt, sew fabric into a pillow, keep a few special pieces in a memory box, or simply save something meaningful for your child to have when they’re older.

There isn’t one right way to preserve someone’s belongings.

Do what feels meaningful to your family.

Help Children Preserve Their Own Memories

One fear that can come with losing someone is forgetting.

What did Grandma’s voice sound like?

What did Grandpa always say?

What did we do together?

What did they cook?

What made them laugh?

One way to help children is to intentionally preserve some of those memories while they’re still fresh.

Children can draw pictures, write down favorite memories, save photographs, make a scrapbook, or create a memory box.

If your child enjoys scrapbooking or journaling, you can also use the same idea behind a kids’ memory book and adapt it specifically for remembering someone they love.

Try prompts such as:

What is your favorite memory with them?

What’s something they always said?

What made them laugh?

What food reminds you of them?

What did you love doing together?

What’s something you never want to forget?

What would you tell them if you could talk to them right now?

Don’t worry if your child doesn’t want to answer.

Don’t force it.

Save the idea and come back to it another time.

You can also write down memories yourself. Years from now, your children may treasure stories and little details that don’t seem particularly important right now.

Let Your Children See You Grieve Too

One of the complicated parts of supporting my children through these losses is that I wasn’t simply helping them grieve.

I was grieving too.

They lost their grandparents.

I lost my mom and dad.

I don’t think our children need to believe that adults are unaffected by death.

My children have seen me cry.

I tell them when I’m missing my mom or dad.

If something reminds me of one of them, I talk about it.

I want my kids to learn that sadness isn’t something we have to hide.

But there is also an important difference between allowing our children to witness our grief and making them responsible for it.

Our children don’t need to fix us.

They shouldn’t feel like they have to stop crying because Mom is already sad enough.

They shouldn’t have to cheer us up.

That’s where support from other adults, friends, family members, counselors, or grief support groups can become especially important.

Don’t Feel Guilty When Life Starts Feeling Normal Again

Kids still need to be kids.

They still want play dates.

They still want birthday parties.

They want to laugh.

They want snacks.

They want to complain that they’re bored.

They want to play outside.

And sometimes, when you’re deep in your own grief, their ability to return to normal life can almost be surprising.

But happiness isn’t disrespectful to the person who died.

Neither is continuing family traditions or having fun together.

Continuing to make new memories together as a family doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person who died.

We can miss people and still enjoy our lives.

Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

In fact, normal routines and familiar activities can be especially comforting to children when so much around them has changed.

Expect Grief to Come Back

Grief isn’t something that happens once and then disappears.

A birthday can bring it back.

A holiday can bring it back.

Grandparents’ Day can bring it back.

A song, smell, vacation, photograph, graduation, or completely random Tuesday can bring it back.

Children may also understand the same death differently as they grow.

A seven-year-old’s understanding of losing a grandparent is very different from a teenager’s understanding of that same loss.

Questions may come years later.

Sadness may come years later too.

They may also begin grieving things they weren’t old enough to think about before.

Grandma won’t be at my graduation.

Grandpa won’t meet my future children.

They won’t be there for this milestone.

That doesn’t necessarily mean the child is moving backward in their grief.

They’re growing, and their understanding of the loss is growing with them.

I don’t think the goal is for my children to “get over” losing their grandparents.

The goal is to give them healthy ways to carry that loss as they continue growing.

Know When Your Child May Need More Support

There is a wide range of normal reactions to grief, but sometimes children need additional support.

Consider talking with your child’s pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional if you’re concerned about significant or persistent changes in your child’s behavior, mood, sleep, eating, school performance, relationships, or ability to function normally.

You know your child.

If something feels significantly different or you’re worried about how they’re coping, it’s okay to ask for help.

Any statements about wanting to die, suicide, or self-harm should always be taken seriously and addressed immediately.

In the United States, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Support doesn’t always have to mean traditional one-on-one therapy, either.

Some children benefit tremendously from grief groups or bereavement camps where they can meet other children who have also experienced the death of someone they love.

Sometimes simply realizing, I’m not the only kid who has gone through this, can be powerful.

Helpful Grief Resources for Children and Families

If your family is dealing with a loss, these are some resources worth looking into:

Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families

The Dougy Center offers resources specifically for grieving children, teens, young adults, and the people caring for them. You’ll find articles, activities, podcasts, and information for families dealing with a death.

National Alliance for Children’s Grief

The National Alliance for Children’s Grief provides educational resources for families and can help parents locate grief programs and support services for children.

HealthyChildren.org

HealthyChildren.org is run by the American Academy of Pediatrics and has helpful information about how children understand death at different ages, how to talk with children about death, and when grieving children may need additional support.

Sesame Workshop

For younger children, Sesame Workshop has free resources that use familiar Sesame Street characters to help children understand death, express their feelings, and remember someone who died.

Camp Erin

Camp Erin offers bereavement programs for children and teens grieving the death of someone significant in their lives. Grief camps can give children the opportunity to talk about their loss while also participating in normal camp activities and spending time with other kids who understand what they’re going through.

Children’s Books About Death and Grief

Books can be another great way to begin conversations about grief, especially when children don’t know how to explain what they’re feeling.

Here are a few to consider:

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr

This is a gentle option for younger children. It explores the feelings that can come after losing someone and reassures children that those emotions are okay.

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

This book talks more directly about what death means, the feelings surrounding it, and the different ways families remember someone who died.

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

This isn’t exclusively a book about death. Instead, it uses the idea of an invisible string connecting us to the people we love even when we can’t see them.

I especially like that concept for our family because I tell my children that my parents are still around us, just in a different way.

The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland

This book follows a child who is afraid of forgetting someone who died and begins collecting memories in a memory box.

It could be a nice book to pair with making your own family memory box afterward.

Ida, Always by Caron Levis

This is a gentle story about love, illness, loss, and continuing to carry someone with you after they’re gone.

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia

This book uses the changing seasons and the life cycle of a leaf to talk about life and death in a gentle, symbolic way.

Before reading any book about death with your child, I recommend looking through it yourself first.

Families have different beliefs about death and the afterlife, and children also vary tremendously in what they’re ready to hear.

Choose what feels right for your child and your family.

What I Want My Kids to Know About Grief

If there is one thing I want my children to understand after losing their grandparents, it’s that death doesn’t erase a relationship.

My parents aren’t physically here anymore.

But in our family, we believe they’re still around us in a different way.

They’re also still part of our family in all of the ways we continue to remember them.

Their pictures are in our home.

We leave them flowers.

We light candles for them.

We leave out foods they loved.

We bake their favorite cakes on their birthdays.

We tell their stories.

We say their names.

And we remember them.

Sometimes those memories make us laugh.

Sometimes they make us cry.

Sometimes one of us cries while another one doesn’t.

That’s okay.

My daughter cried when my mom took her last breath.

My son didn’t cry about losing her until almost a month later.

Both of them loved her.

Both of them were grieving.

They were simply grieving differently.

I can’t protect my children from loss. I can’t make losing someone they love painless.

What I can do is make sure they know they never have to hide what they’re feeling.

I can talk honestly with them.

I can answer their questions.

I can tell them what I believe while leaving room for their own questions and beliefs as they grow.

And I can help keep the people we love woven into our family through stories, traditions, photographs, favorite foods, birthdays, and memories.

I’m still learning how to live in a world where both of my parents are no longer physically here.

My children are learning right alongside me.

Maybe grief isn’t about learning how to leave someone behind.

Maybe it’s learning how to carry their love with you as you keep moving forward.

This article shares my family’s personal experience with grief and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical advice. If you’re concerned about how your child is coping with a loss, reach out to your child’s pediatrician or a qualified mental health professional.

Please share!